broken smile
by Karabara
Summary: this is a totally different outlook on the movie, u really dont have to kno the movie to understand this fic.. please read and review!.. rated R because of language issues in the story
1. eyes

Fanfic to a walk to remember Note to reader: I am in no way affiliated with ' a walk to remember', the makers of it, or anything.  
  
_[asteric] I don't mind spending everyday, _

_Out on your corner in the pouring rain, _

_Look for the girl with the broken smile, _

_Ask her if she wants to stay awhile, _

_And she will be loved.  
_  
Prolog: She has long hair. Long blonde hair that she plays with when she gets nervous. She wraps a piece around her finger and pulls. The blonde high lights stretched as the hair falls away from her finger. Her eyes are deep and it seems like they never end. There beautiful- be she will never let you look in them. She will never let you see her cry. She cries every night. She buries her face in her dark blue pillow and cries until she falls asleep, into a deep sleep. Her broken smile is what she shows everyone. She smiles and hides everything behind her smile. She hides her hurt, her tears, her screams, everyday, and just one broken smile.  
  
She walks down the hall alone. She hugs her books tight to her chest, and takes in a deep breath. Thoughts in her head spin around in circles and always end up right back to where they stared. Death. Fear. Pain. Jamie just can't seem to get it out of her head. She is so alone all the time. Even her dreams are lonely. There's never anyone in them, just her. Every morning she wakes up thinking "Another day". She wakes up and puts on her eyeliner. Slowly and carefully watching the thin black line around her eye. She never leaves without her eyeliner, and it always has to be perfect. No one must look in her eyes. No one. The black line protects her- as she believes- if no one sees her eyes no one will see her pain. That's where she hides it. Her eyes. Her deep puddles of blue hazy eyes that fly around- it's a safe. The safe only she unlocks when no one is around. The safe hides everything, her tears, and her blood.  
  
That day on the bus while sitting alone in her seat, she presses against the side of the bus and looks out the window to the water flowing down the side of the window. She hummed a song to her self while watching every droplet of water fall down the window. It reminded her of tears and sent her back to her memories. She remembered the day her mom died.  
  
"Mommy" Jamie said to her mom. Jamie was only 7 years old when her mom had died of a disease. She had short light brown hair. Straight. Her hair was always straight. "What baby?" her mom said calmly, while touching the side of Jamie's face and stroking her hair. "What am I going to do without you?" Jamie cried to her mom while a single tear streamed down her face. "Whenever you need to know what to do, close your eyes. Ill show you what to do. You'll always have me with you hunny. In your heart ill always be there. You're my baby girl. You know soon you'll be in second grade. I'm so proud of you. You're such a beautiful girl. Don't you ever let anyone tell you how to act, dress, or be. You're a good girl with a good heart. You will always know what to do. You wont need my help. You have so much intuition. After second grade then your will be preparing for middle school and high school, college, then marriage. Ill always be with you, everyday, every moment, every speech you have to make, on your wedding day- standing next to you, your first boyfriend, your first kiss, ill be there, ill be there smiling. Always remember- I love you so much baby. You're my life. You're my everything" Jamie's mom said with soft tears streaming down her face slowly. Jamie looked into her mom's eyes and saw all her pain and says, "I love you mommy... I love you so much". Next thing Jamie remembers is her dad waking her up at 2 in the morning with his hand on her forehead pushing her hair out of her face saying, "she's gone" while crying.  
  
Now Jamie watches the water flow down the side of the window. She wishes that someone would sit with her and just say hi. She thinks to herself that she is hopeless. Everything around her turns blurry and dark. She begins to cry while she hears faint laughter in the background. She knows that once again she's the center of all their obsession. The center of there "laughter", and she hates it. Dark thoughts begin to enter her mind. She knocks them out immediately. The bus comes to a stop and she slowly stands up. One foot in front of another she walks off and into her house and up the stairs to her room. She cries while doing her homework as tears drop down onto the paper and wrinkle it. She thinks to herself. How can she make it all better? How can she make herself happy?

asteric: maroon 5 "she will be loved"


	2. rain

_[asteric] Counting stars wishing I was ok  
Crashing down was my biggest mistake  
I never ever meant to hurt you  
I only did what I had to do  
Counting stars again..._  
  
One my one Jamie unbuttons her shirt. And slowly slides it off. Then  
while unzipping her pants she turns on the warm water. She slides her  
pants off and finishes undressing. She reaches over and pushes the button  
to turn on the shower and slides the curtain over and steps in. the warm  
water flows on her body creating a cold sweat. She lifts her hand to  
catch some water and it just falls out. Just like everything in her life...  
falls out of the palm of her hand like water. The looks into the  
radio/mirror her dad gave her for Christmas that no longer works. She  
sees her face with dark wet hair. She stands there looking at her face  
with red swollen eyes and pale skin as water flows on her face.  
  
After her shower she gets dressed in her pajamas and walks down each step  
leading down to the living room where she sits on the couch and grabs the  
controller and hits the "channel up button" when all of a sudden the  
phone rings. She picks up slyly answering "hello"...  
  
_[Flashback] – Jamie is not three years old with her parents at the great  
escape.-  
  
"Mommy where is daddy?" Jamie whines as she grasps the gates looking into  
the amusement park with deep eyes.  
"Don't worry hunny he will be here soon." Jamie's mother says softly  
petting the top of Jamie's head.  
"Come, lets sit down Jamie," her mother continues with a cautious voice  
trying to make her feel better about her dads disappearance. "Here this  
is called makeup... big girls wear it, like mommy" her mother continues,  
handing Jamie a case of eye shadow trying to get her mind off of things.  
Jamie takes the case and eyes it with wide eyes seeing that it was her  
two favorite colors. As a child she loved pink and purple. Then her mom  
handed her a small brush to apply it with. "Here let me show you." Her  
mom takes her chin and gently lifts and tells her to close her eyes while  
she applies a small amount of pink eye shadow to Jamie's face. She hands  
Jamie the mirror to see.  
"Oh my god mommy! It's so pretty! I love it! I love you! Do you have  
anymore?" Jamie said with excitement.  
"Of course!" Jamie's mom says while taking out a eye liner stick... a  
purple eye liner stick.  
"oh what's that?" Jamie said with curiosity.  
Jamie's mom grabbed Jamie's face gently and turned so her cheek was  
facing her. She placed the pencil on her cheek and drew to dots and a  
have circle creating a smiley face. Jamie burst out in laughter when she  
saw what her mom had created on her face.  
"Here its your turn now."  
"Really? You'll let me draw on your face? But mommy your so pretty."  
"So are you baby. Common now I want a smiley face!"  
All afternoon Jamie and her mom drew on each other while laughing and  
giggling. That after noon Jamie knew that her mom was her favorite person  
in the world and she would be lost without her.  
_  
"Do you need anything from the store?" Jamie's dad asks on the phone.  
"No" Jamie simply replied.  
"Damn Jamie, the only person you would ever talk to was your mother, get  
over it you have to Jamie, you life is like a hell hole and the only  
person you talk to and trust is your mother... she's not here anymore."  
"Bye dad" Jamie hangs up the phone and starts back upstairs. Turning the  
TV off on her way up. She grabs her pink eye shadow and purple eyeliner  
from a box of all the things her mother gave her and applies a small  
amount of eye shadow and draws smiley faces on her cheeks and breaks down  
and cries while kneeling down. She scoots over to the side of her bed,  
folds her hands together and bends her head down. With purple eyeliner  
streaming down her face she begins to pray, to pray only to her mother.  
  
"Mom, remember that day at the great escape? You know that day stayed  
with me forever" Jamie wept. "Every time I see a small girl with her mom  
I think of you, well not that I don't think about you everyday when I'm  
all alone, which is all the time. Dad says its because I refuse to talk  
to anyone except you. You know, someday ill be with you again, I know  
that because I know that I meant as much to you and you mean to me and I  
know your waiting for me and I know your with me, just like you said, you  
said that you'd be with me everyday all day. And I believe you mom, you  
the only one I believe, you're the only one I love, and you're the only  
one I trust. No one has ever... ever understood me except you. Only you. I  
love you. Please... please... its ok...cause ill be with you again someday."  
Jamie finishes while lying in her bed and crying herself to sleep.  
  
_ [asteric] sugar cult – counting stars_


	3. darkness

_ [asteric]Thru the night I see the light  
Shining from the neighbors windows  
I dream of life where I'm safe  
In a home were I am not alone  
Someday I will lay me down  
On the grass where everything is greener  
It always seems so good on the other side._  
  
Prolog: have you ever walked down the street in the middle of the night  
when its raining and listened to every sound around you? The sound of  
your feet hitting the road... the sound of your breath tracing the air... the  
sound of the wind hitting everything around it slyly. The sound of the  
raindrops hitting you and the ground... while the darkness creeps slowly  
around...  
  
Jamie lies on her bed. Her stomach is facing the slowly turning ceiling  
fan and her eyes are staring at the ceiling. She turns on her right side  
to look at her little alarm clock that her grandmother got her when she  
was younger. It read 2:30 am. She couldn't sleep. Her eyes hurt but she  
stood up and walked out of the room and down the hall... slowly stepping  
down the stairs and out the door grabbing her hoodie. She slid the hoodie  
on over her head and slid her hands behind her head and under her hair  
and flipped her hair out so her hood was not on top of her head. It was  
raining but Jamie didn't care. She loved the rain. She loved the  
darkness. It made her feel better about herself. Cause the rain and  
darkness wont judge her, and every time a raindrop hits her it's saying  
something, its talking to her. Unlike anyone she knows. She placed her  
cold damp hands into her pockets and started walking down the street.  
After awhile she stood in the middle of the street silently. She slowly  
flung her head back and closed her eyes and held her arms out. She  
imagined herself flying, far away, away from everything and just starting  
over. She is so sick of everything. She wanted everything to be over  
with, she wanted to escape. She thought of the only way to do that...  
suddenly... she dropped her arms and flung her head straight up and opened  
her eyes and she saw something dark come toward her and push her over to  
the ground and drag here into a dark corner. And still she didn't say a  
single word... she stumbled over her feet a few times as the object dragged  
her carelessly. She kept her head down to the ground with her eyes open,  
slowly starting to cry. All of a sudden she felt the pressure of being  
slammed onto a brick wall. A mans face came into view. He reached into  
his jacket pocket and pulled out a gun.  
  
_ [Flashback] (Jamie is 15 years old... this was only a few months ago.)  
She reached into her desk and grabbed something shiny and cold... staring  
at her hand quivering slightly she cried as she stumbled to sit down on  
her bed. Her fingers fumbled all over the object as she cried. She took  
the object and placed it on her wrist. A razor blade. The cold metal  
stung her soft skin as she hesitated and sung the metal into her wrist...  
missing; she bled and bled until her father rushed her to the hospital.  
She wanted to be with her mother. She didn't know how to escape..._  
  
"KILL ME" Jamie shouted at the guy. "JUST GO AHEAD AND KILL ME, PUT ME  
OUT OF MY MISSERY! NOTHING I DO IS RIGHT, NOTHING I SAY PLEASES ANYONE, I  
WANT TO BE HEAD!" reaching out her wrist facing up. "slit my wrist of  
slit my neck, shoot me in the heart or stab me in the back! I don't care  
what you do." She starts crying hysterically. "I just want to be dead..."  
she says now quietly. He threw her to the side muttering to himself. She  
gets up and walks away silently crying...  
  
_ [asteric]smile empty soul- "the other side"_


	4. remembering

Note to readers: I'm sorry I haven't written in a while, but here is the next chapter and I will update more frequently.  
  
_[Asteric] Jump all you can  
  
And you got out your right foot  
  
The sooner you get out  
  
In your hide away  
  
I might be left dead  
  
Side of the road  
  
Serves a place and time  
_  
Jamie looks around... all she sees is dark. Probably because the lights are out in her room and it is late at night. She is looking out her window at all the stars. No one to say good night to. She's not necessarily crying, as she usually does, but stunned. You know the look of wide eyes and a concerned look. What's the reason for Jamie's look? Nothing. Just fear. Its night, she's in her loose pajamas, with no make up on. The thoughts running through her head don't make any since to her. It's kind of like her mind- has a mind of its own. It scares her. She doesn't know how to get rid of it. She stands up, continuing to look out the window. She starts hearing a low roar. She figures it's just a car passing by the house. She walks downstairs to the kitchen to get some milk. Her father is there. He asks her what she is doing up so late and she simply replies that she cant sleep. The roar continues and she asks him if he hears anything. He said no. She thought for sure that he was kidding. The roar kept getting louder and she asked him, now with a louder voice, if he herd anything now? And he said that he only heard her talking. Looking at her with a concerned face he told her to go upstairs and go to bed and that he loves her and he'd see her in the morning. Very suddenly she heard something fall and shatter, like a glass vase. She screamed. He father grabbed her arm and asked her if she was ok? She said no and that something made a very loud noise. He guided her up the stairs telling her that nothing happened. That nothing made any noise.  
  
She lay down and looked at the scar on her wrist. She knew that she heard something. She couldn't be going crazy could she? She looked at the colors of the scar, the deepness, the meaning.  
  
_[flashback] "Its ok Jamie" the nurse said to the 5 year old. "Were trying hard to keep your mom alive, her mental health is just not strong enough" "Don't scare her" Jamie's father said to the nurse, "go sit over that baby" he now said to Jamie. "Daddy what's going on" Jamie said with more concern in her eyes then ever before. The toddler grasped her teddy bear even harder with a scared look on her face. And only one silent tear falling down the side of her face. Inside the small room Jamie could see her mom trashing against the white walls of the small-boxed area. She was screaming with all her might. Screaming "don't let them take me, leave me alone, noooooooooo..." over and over again. No one was in the room. Her mom had schizophrenia, severe; she always thought something was going to kill her. Soon it did. They were so afraid Jamie might have it. They did so many tests on the young child. Found her healthy. Her mom stopped screaming and in a lower voice, she was still saying the same stuff, like the energy was drained. No one could help her; no one could stop whatever was happening. Jamie saw it. Jamie knew. But she couldn't move.  
_  
Jamie drifts into a sleep. The night was young, so was she, she held tight to that teddy bear that she held on to that night, remembering her past...

[Asteric] sum 41


	5. scared

[Asteric] You thought u were there to guide me You were only in my way Your wrong if u think that ill be Just like you  
  
The brush, as always, ran thru Jamie's hair softly when she brushed it. There were never any knots. As she wished her life to be; smooth with no knots or bumps. Her hair was the perfect color. Natural highlights, a beautiful virgin hair with no color treatment or any shit like that. Getting up to get ready for school, Jamie got dressed, places the soft long sleeve shirt over her head, which landed, perfectly on her curves. And glided a pair of jeans on. She walked down the hall and knocked on her dad's door on the way by to wake him up. She walked into the bathroom and got ready, making sure her eyeliner was perfect. No one could look in her eyes.  
  
_She fell into the world inside her head; leave me alone she says... I only want to go about my day. I'm not going to let you take me prisoner as you did my mother. Its my mind, I control what goes on. "No you don't Jamie" a voice replied.  
_  
More scared then ever Jamie rushed downstairs to eat breakfast, out of her world of which had a mind of its own. She knew that it couldn't happen to her? They did test. They made sure. She kissed her dad on the cheek and ran out the door, hugging her books close to her chest trying to think about other things, like her car and her feet walking and then...  
  
"Ouch." A tall skinny guy with broad shoulders said. He had short hair and strong arms. He was someone Jamie had known since they were young. Except he looked a lot different now, 17 years of age, then he did when he was 4 years of age. His eyes were blue. He looked concerned as he said; "Oh my god, are you ok?"  
"Yeah I'm fine." Jamie said while looking at her feet. She was surprised that he talked to her. All the years that she has known him. He never even cared to give her a passing glace. No one did. No one even thought that maybe she had something to say, or a thought to share. "I'm really, really, really, sorry for running into you like that."  
"Its ok... where are you going in such a rush."  
"Just to school."  
"I'm Landon."  
"I'm Jamie."  
"Nice to meet you Jamie. I think I've seen you around school."  
"Yeah. Well I have to be going."  
"Do you need a ride?" Landon asked.  
"Actually, yeah. I have A LOT on my mind. I don't think it would be safe for me to drive today."  
  
Together they sat silently in the car without a word. Jamie ran her fingers a long the interior of the car. She wondered if he would say anything. She played with her hair. As she did when she was overwhelmed. She wrapped her finger gently in her hair. She looked out the window as it started to rain. She watched the raindrops glisten down the window slowly as she followed them with her eyes.

_[asteric] "just like you" - 3 days grace_


	6. the search

_[Asteric] I'm cuddling close  
  
To blankets and sheets  
  
But you're not alone, and you're not discreet  
  
Make sure I know who's taking you home.  
  
I'm reading your note over again  
  
there is not a word that I comprehend,  
  
except when you signed it  
  
"I will love you always and forever."  
_  
Another day: gone. Another person: changed, and yet Jamie still has to go on everyday exactly the same. Its kind of like, when the world is sleeping and finished for the day, your still going and everyone's watching your every move, so that when you mess up, they have something to ridicule you about.  
  
Jamie presses her back against the walk while she's putting on her shoes and making sure they're nice and tight on her foot. She grabs the car keys and shouts to her father that she's going to the store. He shouts back that it's ok. She walks out the door, closing it behind her silently. She walks next to her car and opens the door and sits down. She turns the key, checks the mirror, places two hands on the wheel and gradually accelerates.  
  
"Carrots... [Sigh]... umm, oh bananas and lettuce." Jamie sighs to herself about the list. "Excuse me ma'am can I help you?" Landon says with a silly smile on his face. "Hey Jamie! Wow, its so funny how we keep seeing each other everywhere." "Oh hey Landon, you work here?" Jamie asks casually.  
  
_[Flashback] Jamie and her mom are walking hand in hand on the beach. "Mommy, when I'm older, am I going to get married like you and daddy?" a 5- year-old Jamie, asks her mom wonderingly. Looking up at her mom with big blue eyes and a gentle smile. "Not until your much, much older." Her mother replied, as all mothers would to that question. "Your too young to fall in love hunny. Guys are mean, there evil, they don't turn into gentlemen until your much, much older. Guys will make you fall in love then crush you. I know that you have no idea what I'm talking about, but someday you'll understand. Your going to be heartbroken and mommy loves you and doesn't want to see you hurt. So don't fall in love until you know that its love, and you know he wont hurt you." Her mother said reassuringly with a graceful, magical smile, while touching the top of Jamie's head softly. "Now lets sit here and look at the sun set" and she sat in the sand and placed Jamie in her lap.  
_  
Snapping out of her flashback, she heard someone, "Jamie? Jamie? Hello?" Landon said concerned. "Oh sorry" she said blushing. "What did you say?" "All I said is, yes, I work here." Landon said laughing a little, attempting to make Jamie feel not-so-embarrassed. "Right, sorry, I was just thinking about something that I need to get."  
  
-Remember Jamie. Don't fall in love. Your not of them, your of us.  
  
"SHUT UP!" Jamie shouted, becoming more and more frustrated and more and more angry with herself for appearing weirder then everyone thought she was already. The last thing they needed to think was that she was crazy. Of course she didn't love him. She was much smarter then that. Like he even liked her, even as a friend. She would never fit in with his crowd. "Are you ok?" Landon asked with a concerned look on his face. "No, I need to leave, I'm sorry" and she rushed over to pay for her food items, and drove off to her house. Landon stood there worried and scared.  
  
(Later that day, at Landon's house) Landon clicked at his mouse furiously on a search site. Typing fast, scanning sites, and then looking at the screen with a look of being beat, because he couldn't figure it out. "H-e-a-r-i-n-g- -v-o-i-c-e-s" he typed into the search. And suddenly a word came up on the screen: schizophrenia. He grabbed a dictionary and flipped furiously through the pages, as egger as ever to find out what happened to Jamie today. He never heard anything and yet he knew she wasn't talking to him because he had not said anything. He found the definition for schizophrenia. Schizophrenia- Any of a group of psychotic disorders usually characterized by withdrawal from reality, illogical patterns of thinking, delusions, and hallucinations, and accompanied in varying degrees by other emotional, behavioral, or intellectual disturbances. Schizophrenia is associated with dopamine imbalances in the brain and defects of the frontal lobe and is caused by genetic, other biological, and psychosocial factors. "Holy shit, what the hell?" He looked up from the dictionary and clicked the link for schizophrenia. He continued reading about the disease into the late hours and fell asleep in his computer chair.  
  
_[Asteric] Dashboard Confessional- "Screaming Infidelities"_


	7. the end

[Asteric] I'm reading your note Over again And there's not a word Except when you signed it: "I love you always... and forever"  
  
"I'm just so scared all the time." Lonely, crying Jamie said. She sits with a bottle of aspirin in front of her. She took it in her hand and tilted it up. 'A pain reliever'. Could it really relieve all pain, as it describes? No. Not Jamie's pain. No. "Physical pain is much better then emotional pain" She gasped.  
  
_[Flashback] "Daddy is mommy going to be ok?" Jamie whined as she stood in the hospital hall with her teddy bear squeezed tightly against her chest. _

_"__No hunny. Mommy's not going to be ok." Jamie's father said while looking into the room with Jamie's thrashing mother. A tear ran down his cheek as he murmured his prayer and said good-bye and his 'I love you' to his now dieing wife. Jamie began to cry as she hugged her dad's leg and whined about how she loved her mommy. _

_"Daddy do something," The young child said while looking up at her father with desperate, teary eyes. "There's nothing I can do!" He now sounded frustrated. He pulled away from her death grip and sat down in a chair as Jamie crept forward to her mother's hospital room. As her father sat on a chair outside the door with his face down in his hands. _

_"Mommy..." Jamie whined slowly. __"I need my mommy." _

_Finally a nurse came out of the room. The small Jamie ran up to her, crying hysterically tugging at the nurse's green hospital pants saying "I WANT TO SEE MY MOMMY!" over and over again. The nurse bent over and picked up the girl and pushed back a piece of hair from Jamie's head. _

_"Its going to be ok" The nurse whispered. And gave her father the look to let him know- She's dead.  
_  
Jamie now walked into the bathroom and grabbed onto a the sides of the sink and screamed as she threw a glass cup at the mirror. She took one of the pieces and slit her wrist. She fell to the ground and watched the blood fall. With her last moments she grabbed a piece of paper and wrote:  
  
_Dear everyone,  
  
I'm sorry. I'm sorry to everyone that this concerns. My father- I'm sorry, I love you, and ill see you in heaven. Landon- I wish I could only explain. I'm sorry, thank you for being the only person besides my parents to talk to me.  
  
Last but not least... my mother- here I come. It's just too much. I hurt so much. I want to be with my mother again. The only one who ever loved me, who ever understood me. I'm sorry, I really am. Many people see suicide as an insane person going crazy. That's not it, and hell should be brought to everyone who thinks that! It's a passage to a new life, brought before a person should have been given the passage. Its opening a door, that's all that death is, it's a entrance to a new life, I new start, where maybe somebody will love me and understand me- like my mother. I love her. I had to do it. No one told me too, no one pressured me, no "voices" told me to. I did it on my own. And I'm sorry. But I have to go.  
  
Jamie.  
_  
Jamie finished the letter while bleeding all over the bathroom floor. She scribbled the letter as fast as she could. And now. It was time.  
  
(Knock- knock)  
  
"Yes sir?" Jamie's father answered the door. It was a panicking Landon. "I need to see her sir" Landon said, winded. "She's upstairs in her room."  
  
Landon ran up the stairs faster then ever with the printed pieces of paper about schizophrenia. He knocked on Jamie's door, and then after few moments with no answer, he opened it and saw something in the bathroom. He slowly began walking. "Jamie?" Landon kept saying, so he wouldn't startle her. He noticed droplets of blood on the carpet. He looked in the bathroom and saw Jamie, dead, in her own pool of blood.  
  
"Oh My God!" Landon whispered in shock. His eyes grew as he snatched the note next to her and read it while a tear ran down his cheek. He dropped the letter and fell to his knees and took Jamie's shoulders and shook her gently, hoping he wasn't too late. He whispered her name- slowly starting to say it louder. He let her go and ran down stairs to her father to tell him what happened. Hoping he was just imagining it.  
  
Landon stood in front a beautiful rock that was in scripted "Jamie 1984- 2000... we love you" he knelt down and placed a rose. Landon was now grown. He small daughter came up to him and whispered in his ear, "Daddy... I love you!" He looked at his daughter with a tear running down his face, "I love you too Jamie." His daughter smiled and wrapped her arms around his neck.  
  
THE END.  
  
(Asteric) Dashboard confessional- "screaming infidelities."


End file.
